An East Texas State of Mind

CW: Death.

I've been in Lufkin since last October-ish. I've been here for six months. My dad passed away in December. He passed away in his home, in his bed, with my mother and me right beside him. He told us earlier that day that he "wasn't going to die today." He passed at 12:01 in the morning. The man was stubborn right down to the last minute.

Although I'd never take back any experience in my life, if you have the opportunity to not see one of your loved ones die right before your eyes, might I suggest you choose that route. He died with his mouth open, his eyes were open. I could hear him gasping for his last breaths. You could smell the death in his room for days before he died. He sighed heavily everytime my mom or I touched him, he could feel us. I'll never get the image of my father being carried down the stairs by two strangers, the strangers letting my mother say goodbye one final time (his wishes were to be cremated, no services), them lifting up the sheet to reveal my cold, dead fathers head, my mother kissing his head and crying herself into a panic attack. That's how I still see him. Stiff as a board, with his mouth open, my mother kissing his head and crying.

I can still feel him. I feel him all the time, so does mom. 

When I decided to move down here, I had planned on staying here for a year or so. Things have changed. I'm fairly certain that I'll be living in Lufkin for the indefinite future. I really want to find a small bus or van and make it into a cool mobile-home type situation that I can take on the road, forever adventures. Five year plan shit. I am so grateful for the friends who have taken time to make the drive out here. It means the world to me to know that I have friends who genuinely love me enough to drive 3.5 hours East ... to see ME. 

The last few weeks have been the hardest. Everything is catching up with me emotionally and I don't know how to handle it. I'm struggling. I need to find a therapist in Lufkin that takes my insurance. It's hard to climb out of this hole I've dug.. but I'll get out of it eventually. 

I decided to deactivate my Facebook for good. Hopefully. Yeah, it'll be for good. Facebook is toxic and you know what? I have a work Facebook account that I can do all my social media work from without seeing any of the bullshit. It's nice. Deleting the app from my phone was the most refreshing thing in the world. It was too much (wasted) time spent on unnecessary drama. I've kept my Messenger up so people can still get ahold of me. I'm still on Twitter and Instagram. I'll be updating my blog (that you're currently reading) a lot more often. Be sure to check back if you're into that kind of stuff. The future posts won't be this depressing. I want to share more of my photography and writing works.

One of my best friends has been on me to get my personal writings in order. I haven't written for myself in so long... fuck, my last blog post was August 7, 2017. The one before that was in 2014. I've spent the majority of my time writing for publications and other outlets. I have decided to stop writing for publications, including The Dentonite, in hopes of writing more for myself. I mean, I still have a couple of assignments to turn in for The Dentonite and for the Lufkin Daily News... but I'm done after that. I'm sure this news will make plenty of folks (read: haters) happy. You're welcome. I need a challenge. Writing the same stories over and over is not challenging for me anymore. It's monotonous. That's my take on it all, though. 

I'm working on a book. I have a ton of concepts for other books, too. I am afraid to talk about any of them in too much detail online until I have my first draft finished. Be on the lookout toward the end of this year/early 2019. 

I'm also working on developing my instant and film photography skills. I want to eventually put a dark room in my house. I want to develop all of my film. I did it in High School, should be able to figure it out now, right? Right. (If you develop your own film in-house, feel free to share any tips you may have!) 

Anyway, I made this playlist earlier and it's totally relevant to my mood. Until next time...

Time For A Change..

This is extremely hard to write, but here I go. I've decided to step down as the editor of The Dentonite, effective immediately. The reasoning is fairly complicated, but fact is this gig is a lot of work (& time & money & sanity lost) for no money and although I am passionate about the work that I do for this website and this town, I am burnt out. I have a full-time day job. I don’t sleep. I need a change. Pretty sure I've aged ten years in the last 18 months. 

That said, The Dentonite will continue on, just under a different editor. I think it'd be extremely selfish of me to peace out and shut everything down. As he transitions into his new role as editor, I have full faith that Mateo Granados will do an outstanding job. I will remain the “owner” or whatever word suits it best and will be available to advise the staff when needed. We will have a couple of integral roles open (all intern-able) that will be public later this week. It ain't dying, folks. Not that easily.

In the next few weeks, I will be working on getting three annual events that I organize in the hands of interested folks. (DAM Awards, Planned Parenthood Benefit, Help-Portrait: Denton). This is Help-Portrait's 5TH YEAR IN DENTON! And this will probably be the last year I help out with the event. Mateo + crew will cover DAM Awards and I am sure someone from our planning group will want to oversee the Planned Parenthood benefit show.

The week before last, I resigned from the Greater Denton Arts Council's board. I strongly value the lesson's I've learned having volunteered for a board that I wanted so badly to be apart of these last thirteen years. I strongly support their mission, and like any project I am or have been apart of, I hope they strive for intersectionality in the future.

I will continue to write for the Dentonite, Denton Record-Chronicle, and Eater for as long as they’ll have me. Maybe somewhere else in the future, too. Who knows.

I've lived here for the last 13 years, I love this town. However, I am ready to make my peace and move on. I've left two times before, both ending with me moving back less than a year later. I am confident that this time it’ll stick. As much as I love this town as a whole, I am having a hard time determining if I actually like being here right now or if it's the convenience, the complacency that keeps me here. Good jobs are hard to come by in this town for people my age, and although I have an incredible job based out of Lewisville (that I'm not quitting), I feel like I am hitting a ceiling here in Denton. I think I've maxed out my growth potential here and stagnation is not an option in my journey. (Mind you, this is how *I* personally feel. This is not a dig at this town. It's doing the best it can, leave it alone.) 

To put a cherry on top of this incredibly depressing cupcake, my father's health is declining on a day-to-day and that is proving to be pretty difficult for me to emotionally handle. He will be in Houston tomorrow for a blood transfusion. The cancer spread to his bones, his spine. They are afraid it may be in his brain as well. I will likely be moving back to Lufkin after dad passes (not to sound morbid) and help my mom who will be raising two boys by herself, 6 & 7 years old. I do not plan on staying in Lufkin indefinitely, but maybe for a year or so before I decide to reroot myself somewhere farther away, maybe somewhere in West Texas. 

I am incredibly behind in sharing articles I've written on this blog, but I will get around to updating it. I hope that I will soon be able to write more for myself as well as spend more time focusing on what I need to do to prepare myself for the future.  

friday funnies

Something that I think is funny now-a-days is seeing my girlfriends post super passive-aggressive comments on social media - I literally laugh for a minute, and then get kind of sad. Sure, I've been there... we were all in our 20's at one point, amiright? However, I believe that was a phase I grew out of. Kind of wish everyone around me would, too. When I was the ripe age of 25 I was dating a super attractive, super talented man. I had definitely won the partner-looks-lottery, as the guy I was dating was that attractive. I had not quite come to the reality of knowing that what I was posting online was kinda there permanently, also my words were there for everyone to read. Said super-attractive guy and I would disagree on things, I would get upset, post some stupid passive aggressive cluster of words online, and not think twice. Well, not until his sister-in-law would then read, misinterpret, and then find it necessary to explain to said super-attractive-guy what she thought I said. Does that make sense? Ok, good. Moral of that story is, if you don't want to be misinterpreted - or look like a complete asshole - you should probably refrain from posting passive aggressive comments on social media. Its just that simple.

Sure it happens from time-to-time- you just have to let the internet know you're having a bad day, or you just really want the internet to know that you do not agree with so-and-so's marriage, or that you cannot believe what "someone who will remain nameless" said to you the other night. It happens, I get it. But maybe the internet shouldn't get it.. maybe that should have been a phone call to your bestie, or a text to the person who will relentlessly listen to you complain about every aspect of life (also known as your pabf- passive aggressive best friend). Whoever the human is you are telling about the issues - they are much better at receiving these messages versus the internet. Just a thought :)

Happy Friday!

-S

time and people

Howdy. The freakin' weeken' is in our midst, and what do you have to show for it? Hopefully something enjoyable, relaxing, and/or adventurous. I've been doing a lot of reflecting today, as I have been having a difficult time with that lately. Reflection is such a necessary part of my routine for multiple reasons: it allows me to process everything on my mind, I start to recognize patterns in my behavior, and ultimately I can identify opportunities in my every day decision making and life. Two things that have been on my mind a lot are time and people. A little over a year ago I accepted a job working in a well known retailer's corporate office. Having no real corporate office experience, I quickly picked up on a lot of new behaviors and personal opportunities. The successful people are quick and nimble, extremely organized, manage their time well and respect others time as if it were their own. They say "good morning!" before they ask favors first thing. They remember important things about you, things that make you happy. Most importantly, they listen to what others have to say and when presented with a situation in which they can aid, they find creative solutions and seek what is best for not themselves - but what is best for the business.

I think a lot of lessons learned at work or in any professional setting can be applied directly to other aspects of your life. I've always valued working directly with amazing leaders, driven peers, and the most inspirational people around. My personal friendships do not fall very far from that tree. I would like to think that my friends are the cream-of-the-creative-crop. I have a lot of extremely talented and extraordinary people in my life, and for that I am grateful. I am always learning something new from someone I love, and that is what life is all about to me.

If you think about your time as a pie chart, you can quickly see the majority of your time being taken up. Sleep, work, eat, repeat, am I right? But I think what we are doing with the tiny chunks of time between the major blocks is what is most important. Who you choose to spend your time with, who you choose to talk to on a daily basis, who you choose to spend the rest of your life with.. these people are important. Obviously. So, who are you choosing to listen to? Whose advise are you taking? Who have you been texting all day? Sometimes I like to take some time and step back and really think about who is exactly getting the most intimate details of my life, and why them? Am I giving away my time to the right people? Most of the time the answer is "no shit, I am giving my time to the right people" - but it is always a good thing to evaluate from time to time.

Anyway, I am working a super top-secret project right now that I cannot wait to update everyone on! All I can say is, I think I will be always be a hopeless romantic. And I am perfectly fine with that. Now listen to this song and enjoy your evening <3

[embed]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrcnZHCr04E[/embed]

Happy Saturday, y'all!

-S